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is new years eve... and I am EXCITED!!! youkno I honestly don't kno why I write in this journal haha.. for my enjoyment aww well anywayz..

yeah so either party I go to it's gonna be ackward when your used as the middle man in relationship drama. trustworthy people r always taken advantage of

I can't wait for 2008 it's gonnabe amazing.. I probably shouldn't assume

7 months till Lee university
Student leadership 201
seein my crew again

boy r annoying right now. even the cute ones

jesus.. I miss u we need to talk and it's all my fault haha! as usual. erghh thats gonna su

this boy

I liked him around a year ago and I guess he started to like me then too. but then I changed a little as a person and there was this other guy so I stopped liking Josh., lets call him Josh.The thing is even though I stopped liking him he still liked me. I had my friends coming up to me saying " did you see the way he looked at you" or " I can't believe he sent you another message" and I smiled but I fought so hard not to like him. I still kinda am or I probably wouldn't be writing this note. He just wasn't my visioned guy you kno at first glance he stands ackward with shaggy brown hair and you wouldn't reallytalk to him if it wasn't for who HE is.. to be honest when he gets his hair cut he looks a lot like johnny depp with intense blue gray eyes. but most of the time Josh is clean and just doesn't care to much about anything else. and he's soooo weird. He's stranger then I am. thats pretty bad. but he's gentle and kind. HALARIOUS. and his personality constantly allows a girl to be laughing at one his jokes. I'm still fighting not to like him. but today he talked about God. With a passion. it doesn't matter if it's God whenever you see a guy talk about something with passion it's hot. but with him the passion was not neccessarily an obvious blatant bam in ya face. no. His words were calm and quiet but inense and burning bright when he revealed his inner thoughts. I couldn't help but think how could a guy like that like a girl like me. andnow I can't stop smiling. hee hee. I'm still fighting...but I'm probably just lying to myself.
BEAUTY... a topic. That I've discussed before but today. today...... has pushed me to the end. Self worth our self worth as women has been degraded because of the view of society on physical feautures and I mean it! What is beauty.... how is a person beautiful. How on earth can a person sit here and tell me what makes a girl beautiful. How can anyone sit there and tell you how your beautiful??? I'm infuriated. 50 years ago in Korea having a circular face and slanted eyes was beautiful. Now one in 10 adults have plastic surgery to "westernize" their features. sooooo what will happenm 50 years from now what will be considered beautiful or should I say who will be considered beautiful

but the part that infuriates me the most is that I've fallen for it. I've fallen for whats beautiful in society's eyes. I've looked in the mirror and thought that " maybe if my cheeks weren't so fat." or "my eyes less squinty" even" is only my head wasn't so big"
"then what Gaby?"
"Then maybe I'd be pretty."

That is sad. To be honest I've never really let it bother me that much before but this summer. being straight forward. One of my closest friends is "gorgeous" The big eyes and long lashes, narrow nose and angular jaw beautiful hair.

tell me why we can both do the same thing and one person gets slack and the othe person gets hated on when they both state a very honest opinion?
I guess life isn't fair but now my self esteem is going down. Today at church I snapped at this woman for calling a friend "pretty" for some reason I felt if another had walked down the hall who was quite the plain jane she would not have said a word.
because in her mind that isn't beautiful
maybe it makes me the most angry cuz ithappens at church. the one place where an outer appearence shouldn't matter and the inner should.

of course God ttalks about beauty in the bible. Remember Esther. Gorgeous gal. saved her country partially on her looks

why do black women go thru all that pain of relaxing their hair. whats wrongwith their natural hair. whats wrong with my natural. why isn't my hair beautfil. by telling another person they r the prettiest eva. where does that leave the rest of us
I have suddenly been made inferior

I remember the dayz I would wakeup thinking of you. thinking what you would teach andhow much I would learn. I remember the dayz I would wakeup scared to miss anything for my poor listening skills. Those days were not long ago but they feel so long ago. I guess I miss you

You remember how I would be in shock everytime you'd open my eyes to something. haha. I just couldn't get over how unworthy I was and yet u'd still let me see

I remember being happy.... even when some crappy stuff was going on in my life I was still SO happy...
so I wonder to myself why i'm sitting with this recent desire to not really reachout to you or yearn for you

it's twisted.. I'm in love with you. End of story. yet I can't cry. I can't open up my bible and read... erghh humans are soo weird. Iam SOO weird.

hmmmm..... hmmmmm...... erghhh..... God... I miss you... a lot....
Tonight...I feel ugly
for once.. I wish I could feel numb
if I could fall away for once i'd be ok not knowing what I am
whats wrong with me. is it smile... is it my hair.. is it the way I laugh.. that you can't bear.. is it the way I am

cuz that makes me scared
I can't change who I am

tonught I'm being honest with my self and letting it all out and open I don't feel this way very often
I'll never have a guy

Today the next day
I feel secure. for some reason I feel beautiful. I was encouraged by a friend. someone who truly knows me
I talked of my friends beauty and how I wish they could see it. she talked of my beauty that I have a hard time seeing
I talked with passion about God around people I generally don't and they said in surprise " I didn't kno this Gaby"

I realized I like me. I just needed a reality check. I'll have my boy one day and I can't wait tomeet him...anyguy that can handle me...............hahahahahahahh
thats funny.

that curse

isreally... starting totake it's toll on me

I havea cutse

I have this curse... and it's called

" Gaby you will alwayz be one of the boyz"

well.... it knda sucks

it's kinda a good thing

except whenthey all use u to get your best friend

hahah.... then it turns into a problem

the future

so. Last night Elle wrote courtney or wrote. The note talked about how she thought coutney was beautiful and sweet and how when she grows up she wants to be just like her.It made me smile but it also made me sad. I've alwayz wanted to be the " kate pate" mentor as I like to call it. but... thats what courtney is. To be honest that makes me realy excited cuz you kno I truly believe thats half the reason why that gitl is so pretty. ha! love it. The I thought to myself sooooo...I'll never be the K.P. mentor will I be a mel?? NOPE. maybea a melissa Carney..no. then I got sad.cuz I don't really kno anyone like me to be honest. Somepne I see myself in when I get older. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be comewhat of a Beth moore direct and passionate straight to the point as of right now. I feel like she's the one 'm closest to being and far from it still..... i don't kno... hahah

no one is gonna understndt his post thats cool


life... is good. actually life is amazing. I have been blessed beyond comprhension to have the most amazing people andfriends in my life

sensitive Cynthia who I still can't understand how we get along really haha
beautiful courtney.. man I love how you get me. like really understand why I am the way I am.. and I love walking into a room and see a bunch of girls gt really jealous LOVE IT!!! IT MAKES METHINK LOOKS R NOT EVERYTHING. haha ironic huh
christin with her spritual insight and deep sould and qunlyn's intellect jenny in general

gosh!!!! I am blesses! hahahahI even have a couple of Joshes and josephs to help me with my boy issuses....

why! why!!!! hahahahahhhah sorry I sound vrazy I just can't get over God sometimes I'vebeen prayin for a thankful hert he's giving it to me cuz actually life should suck right nw.. and it just seems good hahahahahah yeah I'mdone


has been amazing... absolutely amazing. I can't believeit's over. I can't believe how amazing God is. Seriously. we met this group of people they are from placed called Madison, Florida. They literally swept me off my feet andI loved being surrounded by Godly people. Ya kno it wasn'tjust that they were Godly but they reminded me of myself and my friends. They didn't care what others thought and they weren't embarassed when I did crazy things. They joined in hahahahh!I could never forget those three days. When we stood up for our faith and pointed at the sky yelling " what is that" almose believing what we were saying. we had A BLAST!! Not once did it cross my mind what will they think? thank you God gosh I'm soo happy and I really can't wait to see them again WHEW!!



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December 2007


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